Dear future Remy: this post is for you. A reminder.

In October 2014 I hurt my lower back. I was deadlifting. A good solid warm up from 60kg, 80, 100, 120 and 140kg. Then my working weight of 160. Aiming for 8 reps, but I got 5. Previously my PB was 170kg x 3 (I weigh 72kg).

So I decided to do a superset on 140. I pulled. It didn't budge. So, obviously, I pulled harder and my back got hurt. A tear in my lower disc.

It hurt real bad. There were strange noises and I couldn't bend over, at all. I imposed a 3 months ban on compound lifts (deadlift, squats, etc) and spent a decent amount of time with a chiropractor, who mostly massaged and advised me on exercise. It got "better".

Part 1: post injury, 2015

I started writing this post in mid-2015, and finished in late 2016. But, back in 2015 this happened.

Deadlifts are my weakness

Out of all the work I do at the gym, my favourite thing is deadlifting. It's such a simple but strong move. It's me vs. gravity. No competing against anyone else. Just me, alone, trying to lift a heavy ass weight. The kind of challenge I like.

Except I now have a weak point in my back. Like a weak joint in a building, if too much pressure is applied to that same spot, it's the first thing to break.

And it did.

On being invincible

This week I squatted 125kg x 5 and something felt wrong. My back again. My form was good, but obviously something was up.

My back is not okay. I'm not quite back at square one, but I need to acknowledge to myself that I'm not invincible, nor will I ever fully repaired. Ever.

I look at my body like a machine. One I have control of. When I programme, I understand the problem, and either work around it, fix it, or refactor so it becomes a non issue. I understand my systems and I can fix anything (or so I'll tell myself).

Except my body isn't a fully known system. There's so many variables that I'm not aware of or in control of. There's so much I can't see.

I can't fix everything. I'll never fully understand or control my body. I barely want to believe that.

Decide: longevity or desire

It's insane that I should even consider trying to deadlift again. But I want to.

…

Part 2: recovery and damage in 2016

As 2015 continued, I stopped compound lifts and focused on individual muscles and used hypertrophy training.

By the beginning of 2016, I was eating more and feeling stronger, particularly in my back and I decided to start up with the 5x5 training system.

In fact, using the steady programme I got my deadlifts back up to 135kg (with belt and straps) and then in the months of September and October I've been lifting 150kg without any belt or straps. I did use a mixed grip which gives a stronger hold.

But it can put your supinated arm (the palm facing away) at risk of injury through tearing of the bicep…which, is what happened that day.

As I was finishing my final lift, I felt a few pops in my forearm, and now, although my grip is still strong, the pulling strength has completely gone*.

After 8 weeks it's looking like I have a small tear, and I've been seeing an osteopath for the last 3 weeks and she found some pretty weird tissue where the tear occurred and is helping me recover the muscle to heal in a good way (rather than shorten).

What has really inspired me is that my osteopath said that she tries to make sure her patients don't have to give up things they love (in my case deadlifts), and that perhaps just regular sports massage would help me continue (we'll see).

What does suck, is that after 8 weeks I can already see atrophy setting in on my right bicep. Hopefully the muscle will recover as quickly as it has depleted!

* All this detail is really for future Rem when he considers deadlifts again…!

The lesson to me

The lesson here (for me) is that I will get older, and as that happens, my body will be less capable of certain things.

It's like running in a way. Eventually your knees and ankles won't be able to take the impact, so you'll be forced to retire the activity.

I'm at that juncture with deadlifts (again, which I love), and I'm struggling with the inner conflict that says I can still lift, but I need to stop before I do some very serious, irrecoverable damage.

I know it happens to us all. I'm just leaving this post as a reminder to myself.

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